My name is Jodane. And my biggest fear is inadequacy.
I never thought that I’d ever be blogging about something – so soon anyway – about something so personal. But in order for you the reader, to be able to truly connect with me which is very important, you first need to know who I am. I don’t really know where this sudden urge to put myself in such a position of global vulnerability came from; yet, here I am.
So, those of whom know me on a personal level will know that I have major issues when it comes to believing in myself. And to be honest, that sounds much worse than it is – I’m not in a state of deep depression or anything like that – I just doubt myself, and my abilities all of the time. Which is a hard thing to do when people are constantly praising me telling me how ‘clever’ I am, or how ‘determined’ I am. Well, the truth is, I’m determined because I don’t think I’m good enough at it. So I push myself to make sure that I clear every hurdle before me. It’s hard enough as it is to cope with such a state of mind alone, without peers, or parents/family members (in)directly adding more pressure on me, with all of their ‘expectations’. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m somewhat, grateful to all of those that have great expectations for me because it pushes me to want to continue bettering myself – for their sake, and mine. But sometimes it can all get a tad much. Then I begin to lose it.
It’s as if the more somebody believes in me, the less I believe in myself.
I don’t know when this fear was conceived, when it matured, or even when I seemingly gave birth to it; but If I could’ve aborted when I had the opportunity, believe me, I would’ve. It’s here now though, so I’ve had to first accept it. Which has been done. And I’m now dealing with it – but that is the hard part.
So many people reassure me that I’ll be fine, or I’ll do fine, or something of that nature, and I really appreciate and respect them for telling me so. For seeing something within me that I rarely ever see in myself. Although I may agree with them for a time, the effect seems to wear off shortly afterwards, bringing me back to my old self… As I said though, I’m working on that. Believe me, it’s no walk in the park.
Being one to fear inadequacy is much more complicated when you come across as such a confident person (which I am, for the most part. Though never cocky) to everybody else. When I express self-doubt it seems to be pushed to one side. Swept under the carpet. Forgotten. So I just stopped expressing self-doubt to other…most other people, which again, helped me for the most part; but soon began to wear off, landing me at square one.
I shouldn’t be really be this way, because most of the time I’m a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. Though extremely conscientious, I can go-with-the-flow and just do what ever needs doing. However, it’s the times when I make one microscopic mistake that springs this unwanted pessimism back into my mind.
I’m just glad that I have people I can talk to about this, that will reassure me that I am good enough. I am adequate. In addition, I’m thankful for this quote I found on the popular social media site, Twitter. It goes a little something like this: ‘The difference between who you are, and who you want to be, is what you do now.’
I am Jodane. And my biggest fear is inadequacy. But there is hope for me yet.